Sunday, October 25, 2015
Where ever I go...here I am. (I was in the deepest darkest despair)
Last week when I was looking for something in my files, I stumbled upon something else, one of my journal entries from 5 years ago today (10/25/2015). I was taken aback as I read the words… because today I am light years and worlds away from the place I was the night I wrote that journal entry.
I was in the deepest darkest despair which I used to call “warmed over death”. It was a valley of the shadow of death, what seemed to be an inescapable living hell. I am so very different now. God has worked a miracle in my life. He will work a miracle in you also.
It is my hope that in my sharing this journal entry, that those who are as broken as I was and without hope, will be encouraged to not give up, but will keep on keeping on because there really is sunshine and wholeness for you just ahead.
Below is one of my journal entries from 5 years ago today.
"Where ever I go...here I am."
I have come to realize that no matter what I do...no matter where I go...no matter who I am with...or if I am alone...I will never be able to escape me...I will never be able to escape depression. Depression and me are inseparable. I am fully aware that it is not a matter of "if" I will take my own life...it is a matter of when...unless God takes me first. I cannot bare to continue...to subject myself to the daily torture...that has predominated my entire life. I am tired. The years have told me what lies ahead....more of the same...actually worse..because I know the world is only going to get worse. I know that if the average person had to live just one day in my head..they would probably shoot themselves in the head in order to escape. Maybe I will slip into the abyss of insanity before I have a chance to end it all. The sane thing to do is to end it all. If I lost my sanity...I would be living in another reality...and not realize how bad I feel. I guess that is how some minds cope...they totally lose it...all grasp of reality. Those are the people who walk around talking and it isn't to anyone on the other end of a cell phone.
(John 10:10,11,9) The words of Jesus Christ:
The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.
I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.
I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.
My life is an ongoing testimony of that fact. (Thank you, Jesus!)
1 Corinthians 2:9
But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.